Dirty Joke thread

[tggodfrey]

A guy dating his G/F asks her for a BJ on his 5 year anniversary, she replies no because you wont respect me after it.  On his Wedding night he asks again and gets the same reply, no because you wont respect me. 

He decides on his 25th year anniversary married to her he asks again " we have been married 25 years, thats proof I respect you, can I have a BJ?  Again she replies, no because you wont respect me. 

25 years later on his 50th anniversary he decided to try one last time.  We have been married 50 years honey, I love you and have respected you for 50 years of marriage, can I have a BJ?  She gives in and replies, "well After 50 years of faithful marriage, you have proven you respect and love me, I will.  The next morning the phone rings and the man answers it while they are both laying in bed; its for his wife.  He turns to her and says: " Here Cocksucker, its for you.

[CGQuarterly]

I LOLed.

[HercTNT]

A pig fell in the mud. It was not much of a joke, but it sure was dirty!

[NightWolve]

So he finally got a Lewinsky after 50 years and then on the morning after ensures that he'll never get one again... Nice!

A pig fell in the mud. It was not much of a joke, but it sure was dirty!

Boo! Boo! Get off the stage, ya bum! ;)

[HercTNT]

LOL, look its not my fault, my wife put me up to it. it was a really lame joke.

[CGQuarterly]

A farmer's wife is laying in bed, painting her toenails when her husband walks in with a lamb under one arm.  He says, "This is the pig that I fuck when you aren't in the mood."

The wife replies, "That isn't a pig, it's a lamb."

To which the husband simply says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[jlued686]

My favorite joke of all time:

Q - How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A - Suck his dick.

Badum-CHA!

[tggodfrey]

lol, Nice Jibba

[geise]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

[roflmao]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

Lol, I think I heard that one in Cub Scouts.

I wish I could add to this thread as I've laughed at every joke, but I just can't remember jokes for shit.  The only one I know is:


Two guys walk into a bar.
You would have thought the second guy saw it.



...and I know the banana knock-knock joke.

[Arkhan Asylum]

A gay dude's boyfriend dies.

At the little ceremony, someone asks "Hey, what are you going to do with his ashes?"

and the gay dude replies "I think I will sprinkle them all over my spicy chili"

and then the person asks "WTF? Why?"

and the gaydude goes "So he can tear up my ass one more time!"

[HercTNT]

Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a naked man goes running bye. First little old lady has a stroke. Second little old lady has a stroke. Third little old lady would have had a stroke but her arms were not long enough.   Then................

There was the story of the old man who streaked through a flower show. He one first place for "Dried arrangement"!

[geise]

A gay dude's boyfriend dies.

At the little ceremony, someone asks "Hey, what are you going to do with his ashes?"

and the gay dude replies "I think I will sprinkle them all over my spicy chili"

and then the person asks "WTF? Why?"

and the gaydude goes "So he can tear up my ass one more time!"

[Arkhan Asylum]

How do you circumsize a redneck?


UPPERCUT HIS SISTER.

[tggodfrey]

hahahaha

[JoshTurboTrollX]

Dirty Little Matthius is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[NightWolve]

Hahaha! Nulltard's was good too!

[CGQuarterly]

These keep getting better.  Keep posting!

Chris

[NecroPhile]

A couple of my old faves:

Q: what do lesbians use for lubricant?
A: tartar sauce


A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married.  Before getting there, the girl said she had a confession to make: the reason she avoided being intimate was out of shame of her flat chest (and stuffed bras), and that she'd understand if he wanted to cancel the wedding.  The guy thought about it for a moment and said he didn't care and that he loved her, not her breasts.

A few miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said he also wanted to make a confession: the reason he didn't push to be more intimate was because he's hung like a baby.  She replied in kind, saying she didn't mind and there's more to a marriage than just sex.

They were happy (and relieved) after being honest with each other, so they continued on and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes and sure enough she was as flat as a pancake.  When the guy stripped down, the girl took one look and fainted dead away.

When she came too, she exclaimed "You said you're like a baby down there!"

The guy replied: "Yeah, 17 1/2" long and eight pounds five ounces."

[Arkhan Asylum]

What do you call the sweat that builds up on a rednecks balls when his cousin's blowing him?



Relative humidity!







What do you call a redneck girl that outruns her brothers?

A VIRGIN.




yeahhhhh rednecks!

[Arkhan Asylum]

So two gay dudes Hank and Bruce, are messing around.

Bruce blows his man-batter all up in Hank.   Then he's like I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM SILLY, DON'T FINISH WITHOUT ME.

So Bruce goes and takes a leak and powders his face and whatever and comes back to the room and Hank's laying there covered in spooge.  It's all over the bed.

and he goes HANK, YOU SILLY GOOSE I TOLD YOU NOT TO FINISH.

and Hank goes

I DIDN'T.   I FARTED. 

[JoshTurboTrollX]

So two gay dudes Hank and Bruce, are messing around.

Bruce blows his man-batter all up in Hank.   Then he's like I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM SILLY, DON'T FINISH WITHOUT ME.

So Bruce goes and takes a leak and powders his face and whatever and comes back to the room and Hank's laying there covered in spooge.  It's all over the bed.

and he goes HANK, YOU SILLY GOOSE I TOLD YOU NOT TO FINISH.

and Hank goes

I DIDN'T.   I FARTED.

that is the gayest joke I've ever heard....

Quickies:
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

For Ark:
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

[Arkhan Asylum]

For Ark:
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

'

MODIFIED REPOST.  FIADSIGJDOGIFJODFIGADFGAFG

[JoshTurboTrollX]

For Ark:
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

'

MODIFIED REPOST.  FIADSIGJDOGIFJODFIGADFGAFG

Holy shit, that is the same joke!  I'm such a scam fukker.  Here's a fresh one:

Q - If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
A - 2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

[HercTNT]

hahah... nice.

The official NGA grading so far (Like VGA, only N for Nulltard... and G is for joke, phonetically kinda.)

95 GOLD : JibbaJabba's Pig Fuck Joke
90+ GOLD : Arkhan's Redneck Jokes
90 GOLD : Necromancer's Like a Baby Joke
85+ GOLD : Arkhan's Cornhole Chili Joke
85 SILVER : JoshTurboTrollX-16's Smart Kid Joke
80 SILVER : Arkhan's Redneck Incest Joke
75+ SILVER : Necromancer's Tartar Joke
75 SILVER : HercTNT's Geriatric Dong Jokes
70 BRONZE : tggodfrey's BJ Joke
50 BRONZE : HercTNT's Pig Mud Joke
50 BRONZE : geise's PP Pushup Joke
40 BRONZE : jlued686's Dog Suck Joke

Good job so far everyone, ratings range from G(ood) to MINT.  Some of the jokes would have rated higher had the edges not been creased or had my blood alcohol level been higher during the grading.  Let's see if we can get a GEM MINT in there!

(edit: Arkhan snuck a good one in while I was grading... had to insert it into the list)

My pig joke beat out the dog suck joke!!!! YEAAAA!!!  Thanks Null

[jlued686]

Man, fuck that! "Dog Suck Joke" rules all!

[HercTNT]

Man, fuck that! "Dog Suck Joke" rules all!

He did admit to having some booze in the system when making the ratings. He would have to, to rank my joke as high as it got

[jlued686]

Quick story about "Dog Suck Joke"...

I was a music major in college. During my last year, I had to perform for my senior recital. Part of doing this required me to recruit a handful of musicians to play along with me. The night of my recital, I was standing offstage, about to be announced to the audience. Just as they were about to call my name, one of my supporting musicians said, "Hey John!" "Yeah?" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?" "I don't know!" "Suck his dick!"

And at that moment, the MC said, "Ladies and gentlemen..." and announced my name. I was pushed out on stage, laughing.

That's why it's my favorite joke of all time.

[HercTNT]

Bonus points awarded for cool story. I can see now why you're so fond of the joke, and i hope for your pets' sake you never left them alone in the presence of that supporting musician.

NGA rating will be revised tomorrow.

  Your alright

[CGQuarterly]

So I have this buddy, Bill, who used to work in a pickle factory.  After working there for quite some time, he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. So she of course freaks out and tells him that he needs to see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said that he'd be too embarrassed to tell a stranger about it. He figured that he could just overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired.."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[tggodfrey]

Stole this off Facebook:

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of... bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[glazball]

Hopefully I can bring us all down a few notches with these.  Close yer ears!

Q: What did the vampire say to his teacher?
A: See you next period!

Q: What does it taste like to go down on an 80-year-old lady?
A: Depends.

I've always thought masturbation was a waste of fucking time.

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they don't leave slime tracks like snails!

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded!

Confucius say: Man who goes through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can watch it's expression change!

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

I was fucking this dead girl for a while.... and then the rotten bitch split on me!

[HercTNT]

Q: why does helen kellar masturbate with only one hand?
A: so she can moan with the other

[tggodfrey]

lol  those are awesome

[CGQuarterly]

What's black & blue and doesn't like sex?

The 6 year-old in RoyVegas' trunk.

[NecroPhile]

RoyVegas' trunk.

And you're not talking about his car or a piece of luggage.  Giggitty.

[RoyVegas]

RoyVegas' trunk.

And you're not talking about his car or a piece of luggage.  Giggitty.

[geise]

These are bad and I did not make these up.  Thank my brother in-law for telling me these.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float? 
A:  One part root beer, two scoops dead baby.

Q:  What's the difference between a Camero and a pile of dead babies?
A:  I don't have a Camero in my garage.

[NecroPhile]

Nearly two years later and you've got the same two jokes and you still can't spell Camaro. 

[geise]

HAHA!  So true.

[tggodfrey]

lmao.......

[CGQuarterly]

RoyVegas likes his women like he likes his wine.






12 years old and locked in his basement.

[tggodfrey]

After a Saturday afternoon of cutting the grass a man turns to his wife and asks "whats for dinner?"

His wife simply replies......"Whatever your going to make me, I am not cooking tonight."

Her husband finishes the yard work and heads for the bathroom where he takes his shower and cleans up.  As She makes her way to do laundry, she passes the bathromm and sees her husband blow drying his crotch.  "What are you doing?" She says with a stern voice. 

He casually turns to her and turns off the blow dryer......."I am heating up your dinner!"

[NightWolve]

Heh, Terry's was good there! That got a LOL, but no comment on geise's baby jokes... ;)

Nearly two years later and you've got the same two jokes and you still can't spell Camaro.  

Yeah, and they're trying to make it unpopular to occasionally point out spelling problems in the other thread. In this case, "Camero" gets underlined red to let you know it's spelled wrong, too! Laziness, I say! Laziness!!! Err, maybe his browser doesn't have inline spell check?

[geise]

No, I just couldn't fucking spell Camaro.  Actually both ways are said to be wrong with the spell check.  It's not in the DB I guess.  Well at least I'll get further in life since I can now correctly spell it.

[NightWolve]

Well at least I'll get further in life since I can now correctly spell it.

Perhaps. ;)

[JoshTurboTrollX]

Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
Blew a horse, licked his feet
She ate his ass so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife, loved to beat her
Smacked her twice across the head
Fucked her ass and went to bed

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
A lightbulb was stuck up her ass
It woke up the spider who lived deep inside her
He said "hey, free electric and gas!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And Jack would try to hump her
Jill said "no", Jack said "so, I'll ram it in your
dumper!"

Twinkle Twinkle little star
Will she blow me in the car
Because I bought her dinner, she had fun
Now my balls are boiling and I'd like to cum

Old mother hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her old dog a snack
The cupboard was bare
She didn't despair
She let Rover munch on her crack

Peter Peter pumkin eater
Whacked off in the movie theater
Sprayed his load across the screen
And ruined Titanic's final scene

Hickory Dickory Dock
My balls fell out of my jock
I laid them to rest
On some hooker's chest
And paddled her face with my cock

Betty and Jack, up a tree
F-U-C-K-I-N-G
First cums Betty, then cums Jack
Then cums the goo out of Betty's crack

Little Boy Blue
He needed the money

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girl friends eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie Fucked that one-eyed slut

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
A merry old soul was he
He chewed off his tit, ate his own shit
Washed it down with some tea

Roll, roll, roll your cunt
Gently down my prick
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Then you'll suck my dick

Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two, I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That fuckin' Whore.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim that pussy it's so damn hairy

Littly Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider,
Sat down beside her, And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her dog a bone
She bent over,
Rover took over
And she got a bone of her own

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So Jack ignored those flabby tits
And licked her asshole clean

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
Your mother's a whore
I ain't your pop

Little jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating a pizza pie
He shit pepperoni, blew his friend Tony
And wiped his mouth on his tie

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Shine upn the parking lot
As I eat my girl friends twat

Three blind mice, see how they run
Where the fuck are they going?

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe
Suck my dick and swallow slow

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fuckin' dick

There was an old lady
Lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out

Patty cake, patty cake
Baker's man
If your chick's on her period
Fuck her in the can

Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her backyard
When she took her panties off
His wooley dick got hard

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
That's more than my lazy wife does
That fat, fuckin' smelly babboon

Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray,
The guy that fucked her ass

Rub a Dub Dub
Three men in a tub
Faggots have threesomes, too
So fuckin' what

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fucked your mother's ass
And she had you

-Andrew "Dice" Clay

[wmacmonagle]

Not a dirty joke but crazy shit...

A blind man coming in the bar one late night.  He walked and went up to the bar and said "Hey Bartender, did you want to hear the blonde joke and on the side.. Can you fetch me some scotch"

Bartenders said "Here is your scotch, beware on your left,  There is blonde 240 lbs Football players, first string Line Backers...  On your left.. There is Blonde 200 lbs national olympic RUGBY player. and I also a blonde who won Arm wrestle underground in 2 years ago.... Did you still want to tell us a blonde joke?"

Blind man said "UMM UMM Well  Im having second though.  Let me finish this scotch drink.. (Drinks his scotch).  Hey deliver me one more scotch and I think I better not tell you a blonde joke because I did not want to explain it twice" =)