Non-Racist jokes

[JoshTurboTrollX]

Well, maybe sexist but not racist...lol

There is a new store complex opening in California, it sells husbands to would be wives.

The mall is 5 floors high, and each increase in level sees an increase in the quality of the husband for purchase. However the only catch is that once you assend a level, you must purchase from that level, or proceed higher, you are not allowed to go down floors.

2 woman go to the store and check out the men on level 1. It reports 'These men are Hard workers and Good with Kids'. So the two woman think to themselves, thats pretty good, but we'll try the next level.

Level 2: 'These men are hard workers, are good with kids and good looking'. The two woman say to one another, even better, but there is more on level 3

Level 3: 'These men are hard workers, are good with kids, particularly good looking, and have a commanding income'.
Wow say the women to each other, just imagine what must be on level 4 then!

Level4: 'These men are hard workers, are good with kids, exceptionally good looking, very wealthy and have a strong romantic streak.
The two women look at one another, very impressed, they think level 4 husbands are amazing, but they say to one another, i cant wait to see what must be on level 5 then!, So they rush up to level 5.

Level 5: As the woman arive on level 5 the only sign there reads "This level exists to prove that women are FUCKing Impossible to please!"

[Joe Redifer]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

[jperryss]

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down,
fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable,
cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[jperryss]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"


"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"


"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the! rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"


***Long Pause***




***Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says . . .




Swimming pool??


...Is this 555-7039??????

No

Click.........

[guyjin]

what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

nothing, she's already been told twice.

[guyjin]

Newfies: the Niggers of Canada.

A drunk Newfie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The Newfie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."

A bottle appears in front of the Newfie. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Newfie being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Newfie, "Give me TWO more of these!"

--

A newlywed Newfie sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back an accordion with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the Newfie sailor rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."

--

You might be a Newfie Jedi if...

1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be witt ya by*'."
2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.
3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.
4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.
5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.
6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.
7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.
8. Even C3-PO cannot understand what you are saying.
9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street)and Breezway (University Bar).
10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Come on by' son, come on over 'ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man."
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.
13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).
14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
15. You think Andy Wells (St. John's mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.
16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.
17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.
18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.
20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.
21. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... tell me what the hell your mother's getting on with by'?!"

*"Boy" is pronounced "by".

--

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --on the couch -- naked.

--

There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Torontian. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."

So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish" 'POOF' the oceans were full ( of fish that is).

The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around the province of Quebec, so nothing will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.

The guy from Toronto says "Tell me more about this wall."

The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So the Torontian says "Fill it up with water."

--

George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John's. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.

When the medical director became aware of the Newfie's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, "Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.

The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

The Newfie replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry ... So...how soon can I go home?"

[Arkhan Asylum]

Wait I thought these werent racist?  I sawed the niggerword in there.



I know a good non racist joke.



WE WOULDNT LIKE TO PLAY!

[Joe Redifer]

LOL.  I made an almost audible laugh at that one!

[JoshTurboTrollX]

What did the Fat Woman use as a vibrator?


An epileptic baby.

[guyjin]

A joke about myself:

Q: How do you know if Guyjin likes you?
A: He looks at YOUR shoes.

[Joe Redifer]

Here's a bit of non-racist reading material for you little troglodytes:


So little 14yr old Johnny is walking to his room when he hears a noise coming from his parents bedroom. He opens the door only to see his dad, butt naked humping his butt naked mom. Dad is startled and taken by surprise, but he chuckles a little and tells Johnny to get out and close the door. After the adults finish up the deed, Dad puts on his robe and hastily goes looking for Johnny realizing that he is going to have a delicate talk with him. He goes down the hall looking for his son but he's not in his room. However, as he passes the other bedroom, he hears noises so he opens the door only to find Johnny butt naked humping his grandma. Dad is shocked and yells, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!!" Johnny, not missing a stroke, turns to his dad and says, "Yah, it's not so funny when it's YOUR mother!"
________________

Q. What do Tiger Woods & a Baby seal have in common?

A. They both get clubbed in the Head by Swedes!
________________

Q. Whats the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?

A. Tiger Woods can drive the ball more than 50 feet.
________________

Q:What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

A:Santa stopped after 3 Ho's
________________

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy.

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
________________

At the retreat, Jill and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jill wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one
another.'

And John wrote: 'I love sex.'
________________

Baseball Sex!

The old rules (baseball sex terms)

1st base = Kissing

2nd base = Tongue kissing

3rd base = Hands down partner's pants

Home run = Sex

Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)

On deck = Having plans for a date

Strike out = Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up

Walk = Kissing

Bunt = Masturbation

Single = tongue kissing

Double = Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
and feeling

Triple = Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual
masturbation

Inside the park home run = Oral sex

Home run = Sex

Ground out double = Would have sex, no condom

Relief pitcher = Vibrator

Error = condom breaking during sex

Banned for life for gambling = Having sex with out a condom

Hall of fame = Marriage

Rain delay = Parents/Room mate come home early

Box seats = Water bed

Seventh inning stretch = Unusual positions

Rookie = Virgin

Minor leagues = Under 18

Grand slam = Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.
_________________

A man went to the Doctor's office asking for a double dose of Viagra. The Doctor told him he couldn't allow him to have a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it is not safe," replied the Doctor.

"Please Doctor" The man plead, "I need it really badddd!!!!!!"

"Well, why do you need it so bad?" asked the Doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, my wife is coming home on Sunday. I must have a double dose."

The Doctor relented saying, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you have to report to me on Monday morning, so I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday morning, the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling and looking awful. "My God!! ... What happened to you?" the doctor asked.

The man replied pitifully ... "No one showed up!!!"
___________________

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
_______________

[Joe Redifer]

There was once a young man named Dave who found a dead hooker in a cave.
She was covered in shit & minus 1 tit, but imagine the money he saved.

[Smashed Brother]

Q:  How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?

A:  It isn't hard...

[Joe Redifer]

How many abused housewives does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  The bitch can do the dishes in the dark.

[JoshTurboTrollX]

5 toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Gaming.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

[Arkhan Asylum]

an Irishman walks past a bar.


IT COULD HAPPEN.

[geise]

What's the difference between a Camero and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Camero in my garage.

How do you make a dead baby float?
1 scoop ice cream 2 scoops dead baby.


I know I know...I'm terrible.

[Arkhan Asylum]

WHY DID PRINCESS DIANA CROSS THE ROAD?

CAUSE SHE FLEW THRU THE WINDSHIELD.

[blueraven]

Why do the English drink warm beer?

Because Lucas makes their refrigerators too.

[Tatsujin]

Q: Why does the TG-16 have to be such a big flounder?

A: Left open.

[Joe Redifer]

Q: What happened to Joe Redifer when he read that last joke?

A: His brain broke.

[Saibot]

Damn, non-racist jokes? I was going to unload my cannon of jokes about Turkish people. Why must you deny me the satisfaction?!? Time for some awful jokes that everybody has already heard 500 times.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a hole in his bucket
When asked what to do
He never really knew
So he stuck his dick in the hole and said fuck it.

What is strap-on spelled backwards? NO PARTS

A blonde chick walks into a bar. A gentleman offers to buy her a drink, she declines, saying that alcohol is bad for her legs. The gentleman asks, do they swell? She replies, no, they spread.

A guy walks into the doctor's office, and says that he has a problem. He has 5 penises. The doctor asks, how does your underwear fit? He replies, LIKE A GLOVE

A pirate walks into a bar, with a hook and an eyepatch. The bartender asks, what happened to your hand? The pirate replies, the sharks got me hand. The bartender then asks, what happened to your eye? The pirate replies, me had an itch. The bartender says he does not understand. The pirate then replies, first day with me new hook!

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel stuck to his penis. The bartender asks, what's that? The pirate replies, it drives me nuts.

Choppy told me this one...

What do you tell a chick with a black eye? You just told her.

What do you tell a chick with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. If she doesn't get it by now, she never will.

What do you tell a chick with 2 black eyes, a bloody nose, and a fat lip? You don't need to, she finally gets it.

[Tatsujin]

Q: What happened to Joe Redifer when he read that last joke?

A: His brain broke.

Notice to me: Mission accomplished.

[RR1980]

A little boy was taking a shower with her dad and his little sister and asked his dad, "what's between my sister's legs?" and the dad while trying to think of something nice to say said, "well son why that's from cupid's arrow" and upon hearing this the boy said "wow Cupid's got good aim he got her right in the cunt!"

[Nazi NecroPhile]

What's the difference between a Camero and a pile of dead babies?

Only one of them is spelled correctly.

[geise]

Yes I need to learn how to spell Camaro.     Hey i did it.     ...moving on.

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,
I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o...s..t........m...a...r...r...i...e..d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes,

"Y..e..s, .I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o..r......a..n..d. .
he...... t..o..l..d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I......
s..p..e...a..k..... s..l..o..w.l..y...... I .... w..o..u..l..d.....
n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r."

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost
married.


"W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........
I...... w..e... r..e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g....
o..n.....h..e..r....... p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d.... t..h..e...
d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n....g......
h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r......
t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e....
m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e...... c..a .n...... d..o.....
t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d.....
t..h..e..n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e.....
r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"


Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.

"W..e..l..l, .I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t... .b. .y.....t..h ..e......
t..i...m...e..... s.h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t .
t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e .
w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s."

[Nazi NecroPhile]

Q:  What do lesbians use for lubricant?

A:  Tartar sauce.

[Arkhan Asylum]

Q:  What do lesbians use for lubricant?

A:  Tartar sauce.

I couldnt stop laughing at this for like an hour.

then at work today i saw tartar sauce packets and burst out laughing like a wackjob

[Tatsujin]

[RR1980]

hehe Tats it's because tartar sause is normally used for fried fish and you know fish smells like......

[Arkhan Asylum]

interestingly enough I told this to some dutch friends and they all went "wtf is tartar sauce?"

then

"oh so wtf does this have to do with lesbians"


Must be a USA joke.

[Tatsujin]

At least I knew what is tartar sauce

But yeah I got the jokey and it's fun..hahaha. It's like the kitten that jumps at the bitch and puts its teeth deep in her pussy. Must have smelt teh fish in there.

[blueraven]

It's like the kitten that jumps at the bitch and puts its teeth deep in her pussy. Must have smelt teh fish in there.

[turbogrfxfan]

Women are like video games. Many people play em but very few beat em.

[Arkhan Asylum]

Women are like video games. Many people play em but very few beat em.

Charlie Sheen does!

[RR1980]

Women are like video games. Many people play em but very few beat em.

Charlie Sheen does!

As does Mike Tyson and Ike Turner.......OJ even kills em'!

[blueraven]

Ike's dead, man.

[RR1980]

Ike's dead, man.

yeah at least he won a grammy right before he died tho so he got some redemption at the end.

[blueraven]

I'm not saying he didn't beat Tina (and whomever else), but he was a phenomenal musician.

[Arkhan Asylum]

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING ON JFKS MIND BEFORE HE DIED?


A BULLET.

[machomadness]

Not sure if this was ever posted:

A Blind man walks past a fish market.
He takes a whiff and says: "Ah! Good evening, ladies!"

[TheClash603]

I just watched Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 (actually pretty good, compared to his Halloween 1), and there's a joke I really enjoy in the movie...

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

.
.
.
.

You can't jelly your dick in a dead girl's asshole.

[machomadness]

I just watched Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 (actually pretty good, compared to his Halloween 1), and there's a joke I really enjoy in the movie...

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

.
.
.
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You can't jelly your dick in a dead girl's asshole.

I remember that. To me, the director's cut of that is MUCH better. It told the story better. The theatrical cut was just a MESS.