The effects of terrorism on modern day Wal-Mart.

[Kitsunexus]

Well, I'm going to make my own homemade firecrackers to blow shit up in my back yard, so today after work I went to Wal-Mart to buy some large model rocket engines which is a fairly cost-effective way to get that gunpowdery stuff without like going into a gun store and paying $100 for those big containers.

So it's 12:24 PM, I'm walking in a fairly abandoned store (it's dead at night), and I get some stuff like the DVDs of Army Of Darkness and The Fifth Element, 6 large bags of Pop Rocks, CD-Rs, PEZ refills (screw the dispensers, just give me the candy!), 2 Halloween sound effects CDs and some razors. What was I here for again?

OH YEAH, FUCKING CYLINDERS OF EXPLOSIVE POWER! I thought they were on the back wall, but no, this space is now delegated to Hannah Montana bicycles. WTF is a Hannah Montana anyway? Girls are stupid.  Anyways, I look at the "model" section, and there's lots of cars, and paint, no rockets though. About an aisle down there's some really tempting next-gen Tamagotchis that blow the original out of the proverbial water and THE MOST AWESOME PARROT IN THE UNIVERSE but nope, it was pyros over parrots today.

So I see a dumb bitch in the electronic toy aisle (home to the 20 Q games, Lazer Tag, the TV games without a home, the flavor of the month overpriced Casio that couldn't even stand up to the SB16 WaveBlaster daughtercard, etc..) and I ask her while she's talking to two of her ditzy friends:


"Do you have any model rocket engines?", this IMO being a fairly innocent question.


Of course this is all taking place in post-9/11 Texas, so what follows is a look that can only be described as the look of a Dubya-lovin country girl's face after seeing Osama Bin Laden bust through her dining room window and squish one out over her three-year-old's American flag birthday cake.

Of course, snapping back to her low-level coded job response, she's all "They'ruh over here". She leads me over to them, and they're right next to the new shitty Transformers figures. Those Wallyworld employees are SNEAKY BASTARDS, hiding just what I need right in the spot that I purposefully tried to avoid!

Now that I had this Estes treasure trove in front of me, it was time to get to work. I've never really been into model rockets. I had a couple a few years ago, and we actually launched some at my school a few years back as well. They're way too much effort to build for just a whoosh (although it's an impressive whoosh) and a dinky little parachute. Basically, I'm into rockets for 2 things. The engines, and the electronic detonator---err I mean igniter.

You may think it's just pick up some engines and pay for them, but actually it's a little bit trickier. If you've ever actually decided to crack open a model rocket engine, you'd see the black powder we're after, as well as this grey stuff that I'm assuming is chalk. This is where the problem lies. See, Estes likes to cheat the law of physics I call the "Coke Can Theory". You know how when you get a can of Coke and pour it into a glass, it makes like a clown car and has a lot more Coke than you think there would be? Yeah, Estes decides to cheat that. If you get the little tubes that have double the diameter of a pencil, there is SERIOUSLY less black powder than the big engine inside.

And I don't mean "well duh no shit Sherlock" less, I mean "How the fuck does this even launch into the fucking air!?" less.  At first I decided it was some sort of warlock trickery, but eventually I settled on the theory that the little tubes need less powder because with the compression it has from being smaller it would have a greater chance of being the Challenger instead of the Discovery (which launches in like 4 days, or so I'm led to believe). The bigger engines, being bigger and all, can afford to have less endplug and more black goodness.

It's all about ratios and proportions and stuff. I don't know, I got C's in math and was always trying to get Galaga to work on the TI's instead of using them for math. I guess Wal-Mart was too, as they must have failed the proportions course. Price of large model rocket engines (C6-5s, if anybody cares)? $5.99. Price of small engines (A-somethings, because I don't care)? $5.99. The large had three big engines and enough powder to probably fuel a cheap M80 knockoff. The smaller engines were a 6-pack and had enough powder to fuel one of those retarded firework chickens that lay shitty colored spark eggs and are WAY overpriced but you still get them anyway because someone always says "LET'S GET A CHICKEN!".

So remember 3 > 6, More < Less, it's Bizarroworld in the rocket industry. Don't be an idiot.

Anyway, as I'm putting my profound knowledge of rocketry to the test, All-American-Girl™ is still there watching me.

"So do you LIKE model rockets?" she says.

I look back at her, "Yeah, I do".

"What kind do you have at home?" she says, trying to find something to out me as some potential member of the white Al-Qaeda.

She almost had me. But I'm cool. Sylvester Stallone as Jack Carter in the remake of "Get Carter" cool. I'm so cool I make the  smiley  .

So I replied:

"Yeah, you see those 2 small tubes up there? I have a couple of those, but mine are a bit larger, back before Estes discontinued them for cost concerns and also because of some of my custom mods. Y'see, basically I take the parachute out of them and hollow out the nose cone, which I reapply with a bit of watered-down Krazy Glue for weight purposes. I then take one of my dad's Dremels and hollow out the inside more to make them as light as I possibly can. I take off one of the fins so I have the ability to angle it for maximum distance than I wrap some duct-tape lightly around the engine to fit and then when it launches, it touches the stratosphere! Of course it's a messy landing due to the lack of a chute, but hey it's a game of height and distance, we're not trying to beat the Soviets."

I don't even know if any of that made any sense at all. But it was enough to pacify her feeble sheep mind.

She was all "OK." and walked off. She's probably chomping down on her Marlboros in her trailer right now feeling like an idiot. And she is.

She works at Wal-Mart. 

[Keranu]

I love your shopping list!

[Kitsunexus]

I love your shopping list!

You shoulda seen yesterday's. ^_^

Paperclips, sticky tack, Krazy Glue, cigarette lighter (I don't smoke but I need a lighter for COOL STUFF), 8 boxes of Nerds. 4 Mountain Dew Code Reds, Predator, Suspect Zero and Iron Man The Animated Movie DVDs, Silly Putty, breathmints, gel pens, Spiderman 3D stickers, Scotch tape, Fritos, Alien antenna topper and Bubblicious Strawberry gum.

The trick is to have your job direct deposit to your debit card. With this awesome power, you don't even need a shopping list.

[Turbo D]

Great shopping list dude  Now I have to go to walmart tomorrow and grab some goodies 

[TurboXray]

 FYI - gunpowder sucks in comparison to XXX refined rocket fuel. The solid fuel used in the rocket engines are more explosive and have a faster burn rate.

 An easy process to refine the solid chunk of the rocket engine is to smash the outside casing with a hammer (don't get wild or you might ignite a piece accidentally between the hammer and a hard surface...). Once you have the solid fuel broken down into small pieces, put them into one of those cheap throw away pie tin pans and add some water. Leave this out in the sun for a number of days until the water has evaporated. The amount of time depends on your area - in the desert here the process is fairly quick. It might be possible to speed up the evaporation process, but I never had the need to. When the water evaporates, you'll be left some super fine powder which is perfect for an explosive project. (I Hope any kids don't see/read this)

 Plus, rocket engine fuel makes for some *serious* smoke bombs(ninja style) due to it's smokey-ness

 Also... don't forget that manufacturing your own explosives, regardless of the intent, is a class 3/4 Felony. Have fun.

[Kitsunexus]

EDIT: PREVIOUS SARCASM REMOVED



Thank you! ^__^

[Arjak]

 

Sometimes I worry about you guys. Considering that all forms of communication are being watched by the government, you guys are lucky not to be taken as terrorists, kidnapped by the FBI, and forced to watch Barney reruns until you "confess your crimes."

What's that? It's time to take my pills now? I'll be back in a minute...

Seriously, though. Great story, Kitsunexus!

[Hobo Xiphas]

Kitsune-chan really likes sugar 

[nat]

Seriously, though. Great story, Kitsunexus!

For sure.

[SignOfZeta]

I can't imagine anything being better or cheaper than real fireworks/dynamite.

I mean, if it really satisfies you to build the crap yourself and risk blowing your hands off, go ahead, but fireworks are sooo damn cheap.

[rag-time4]

Of course this is all taking place in post-9/11 Texas, so what follows is a look that can only be described as the look of a Dubya-lovin country girl's face after seeing Osama Bin Laden bust through her dining room window and squish one out over her three-year-old's American flag birthday cake.

Do I even want to know what you meant here by "squish one out"??

[rag-time4]

I love your shopping list!

Yeah how could a list like that make anyone curious??

[Nazi NecroPhile]

Nice shopping list there, Kitsune, but you need to read between the lines.  The dumb chick was asking about your 'rocket' and you didn't offer to show it to her.  You might of even had a shot a three way, since she had some friends there.  Missed opportunities, my friend.  Missed opportunities. 

[Keranu]

Nice shopping list there, Kitsune, but you need to read between the lines.  The dumb chick was asking about your 'rocket' and you didn't offer to show it to her.  You might of even had a shot a three way, since she had some friends there.  Missed opportunities, my friend.  Missed opportunities. 

I was thinking the same thing.

[Tatsujin]

just buy a ton of those whristle rockets (12 pcs per pack @ 1$). this white powder inside is amazing powerful and will never cost you more than 20 bucks to make a cracker which is able to frazzle a refrigator or toilethouse in pieces

here a loc test back in '91:

this one only had about the small amount powder of 12 rockets

good ol' school times!!

[Nazi NecroPhile]

Meh, just use a little chunk of RDX.  It'll destroy anything, but quick.

[Turbo D]

  man, that is completely bad-ass