My first sealed game; need advice

[EmperorIng]

How do I balance the concomitant excitement of unsealing a game with the crushing knowledge of the mediocrity that awaits me? Need some help from some professional game unsealers here. Serious responses only.

[esteban]

As you are playing the game in question, contemplate how much better a horizontal + vertical cute-em-up based on Conan would have been.


Sure, you laugh, our favorite developer would have inevitably found a way to deliver a mediocre shootemup.

Perhaps.

But that's not the sort of thinking that faked the moon landing.

In a parallel universe, RIOT + Telenet were the apex. Not the anticlimax.

Now, go play Psychic Storm. Damn that game had potential to be so much more. Damn.

[Psycho Punch]

Unseal it by placing it inside a microwave, on high setting for 5~10 minutes.

[EmperorIng]

Not answering my question; I have read up on how to unseal games for the last three months in preparation for this so I already know how to do it.

As you are playing the game in question, contemplate how much better a horizontal + vertical cute-em-up based on Conan would have been.

Yes yes, I can see... charming graphics, bright colors, low difficulty... It's like I'm playing it now. CERN should open that wormhole and get the good RIOT devs out of their universe. We need them more.

[SignOfZeta]

You will probably beat this game if you put any effort into it. Does that get you excited?

[Bardoly]

Hey, I actually enjoyed this game.  Play it!

[wilykat]

Do take care you have the right steps in unsealing ceremony. If you took the wrong step or chanted the wrong word, you might end up unsealing something far worse. Something that would make cthulhu look like a cute pet kitten.

[Digi.k]

My copy came in shrink wrap too since I got it a few weeks ago and it was kinda cheap too.  I ripped right through that wrapping without giving it any thought, played it for a few minutes then went back to Brandish...

[Nazi NecroPhile]

Conan ain't bad at all, with neat art and decent cut scenes.

I find it best to chop off the shrinkwrap using Sting, but it requires a deft hand at precision ax work.  Whatever you use, don't forget to recycle the shrinkwrap; Gaia will thank you.

[ToyMachine78]

Conan ain't bad at all, with neat art and decent cut scenes.

I find it best to chop off the shrinkwrap using Sting, but it requires a deft hand at precision ax work.  Whatever you use, don't forget to recycle the shrinkwrap; Gaia will thank you.

I agree, I think Conan is a decent game, and the easy difficulty makes it a nice casual play.The cut scenes are well drawn and colorful. Its nice to play a game once in a while that doesn't completely kick your ass. That's why I like shockman 3 too

[xcrement5x]

The best unsealing:

[MNKyDeth]

The best unsealing:

The hell did I just watch?

[Psycho Punch]

superdeadite only good channel on youtube

[EmperorIng]

Something went wrong. I unsealed the package and put the disc in my duo but all that seemed to do is make a shitty game appear on my tv. Is there a way to reseal it and make my money back?

[esteban]

Something went wrong. I unsealed the package and put the disc in my duo but all that seemed to do is make a shitty game appear on my tv. Is there a way to reseal it and make my money back?

I am sure there are tutorials on RedTube explaining how to re-seal items.

You will need:
Hair dryer
Petroleum jelly
Parchment paper

Steps:
(1) Turn hair dryer on, set to "heat" and fan on "high". It will take some time to reach proper temperature, so temporarily rest hair dryer next to your DUO.

(2) Preheat oven to 450°. You can reheat yesterday's pizza on parchment paper in the oven.

(3) Watch RedTube.

(4) Listen to soundtrack from Psychic Storm.

[Dicer]

There are far worse PCE games, if you don't like it feel free to send it this way...

[EmperorIng]

(4) Listen to soundtrack from Psychic Storm.

Thanks for the advice, though things didn't go as planned. I ended up listening to the Verytex soundtrack instead. I don't know if that affected anything but it might of glitched out the game; the game is only showing three types of enemies in all of its levels. I still have the plastic-wrap; is there a way I can use that on the game itself to fix it?

Conan ain't bad at all, with neat art and decent cut scenes.

I find it best to chop off the shrinkwrap using Sting, but it requires a deft hand at precision ax work.  Whatever you use, don't forget to recycle the shrinkwrap; Gaia will thank you.

I agree, I think Conan is a decent game, and the easy difficulty makes it a nice casual play.The cut scenes are well drawn and colorful. Its nice to play a game once in a while that doesn't completely kick your ass. That's why I like shockman 3 too

I think a big difference here is that Shubibinman 3 lets you skip cutscenes. And is a good game.

[EmperorIng]

There are far worse PCE games

Having beaten this game last night, this statement might be technically true (so many shitty visual novel/digital comic/life-sim garbage...), but this is certainly leads the pack of 3/10s.

The excitement of unsealing a game could not match my expectation of mediocrity, but then again, this game exceeded my expectations - worse than I thought!

[esteban]

There are far worse PCE games

Having beaten this game last night, this statement might be technically true (so many shitty visual novel/digital comic/life-sim garbage...), but this is certainly leads the pack of 3/10s.

The excitement of unsealing a game could not match my expectation of mediocrity, but then again, this game exceeded my expectations - worse than I thought!

1/10?

2/10?

0.5/10?

Help us out! Compare it to other pablum...on any console. References!

[EmperorIng]

Games as awful as Future Boy Conan:

Dekoboko Densetsu
Browning*
Gotzendiener*
XZR III - Exile 2: Janen no Jishou

criteria: showing a bare minimum of competence in audio and visuals, but almost completely undone by poor design and playability. Bad controls + lame levels + no enemy variety = lousy game

Conan would have squeaked into an un-respectable 4/10 (not good by any stretch, but not particularly offensive; e.g. Valis II), but its unskippable cutscenes push right into that "offensive" category.

*actually, both of these are far worse than Conan; hence "leading the pack" at 3/10.

[Nazi NecroPhile]

So why'd you even buy it in the first place?  Did you just want something to cry about and need some attention?

[Otaking]

Games as awful as Future Boy Conan:

Gotzendiener*

I like Götzendiener, bit short, but still good.

[EmperorIng]

Short isn't so much the problem as the lame level design, but that's a rant for another day (that's already passed).

So why'd you even buy it in the first place?

Took a shot in the dark; didn't know much about the game other than it probably sucked because Telenet. Thought it'd be fun to make a sealed game joke thread. Once i played it it turned into a laugh-at-how-shitty-this-game-is post, sharing good company with Browning and Dekoboko. There should be a Telenet Hall of Shame.

And people who have threads dedicated to their impressions on games they beat shouldn't throw stones. 

Highlights of Mirai Shounen Conan:

• Abusing the invincibility you have while kicking to slide through a level and all its enemies in record time
• dying because the game plays a 5-second unskippable animation and locks your controls when you fall from a moderately high ledge
• Having to make a blind jump over a death pit onto a moving platform whose starting point you can't see
• final boss is a generic dude with a gun who you just kick a couple of times off a ledge

[Gredler]

Verytex soundtrack

Enjoyable tunes, thanks!

I like Götzendiener, bit short, but still good.

I've enjoyed it too, but am curious as to what you do not like about it Ing.

So why'd you even buy it in the first place?  Did you just want something to cry about and need some attention?

This was my initial thoughts as well, poking the bear and expecting a reaction

Took a shot in the dark; didn't know much about the game other than it probably sucked because Telenet.

It's so hard for me to do something like this, buy something without knowing if it's good or bad - or even my bag or not. I would be very much more likely to invest in something with implied enjoyment returns.

What were your expectations, or what inclined you to purchase it other than the fact it was sealed? I picked up a sealed game just now, but it's not nearly as old as one of these. I don't remember the last time I purchased a "new" old game, older than DS/PS2/GCN/XBox.

[EmperorIng]

ha, the sealed copy of conan was the cheapest available on Amazon at the time, costing less than my lunch today.

I like platformers; they're my favorite genre. I was willing to let myself be pleasantly surprised if a game turned out to be flawed-but-likable. In this case I only purchased grief. If it's in the $10.00 range I can afford to take a risk. In this case I get the extra amusement out of explaining how bad the game is, plus investigating the ritual of unsealing games.

[Gredler]

ha, the sealed copy of conan was the cheapest available on Amazon at the time, costing less than my lunch today.

I like platformers; they're my favorite genre. I was willing to let myself be pleasantly surprised if a game turned out to be flawed-but-likable. In this case I only purchased grief. If it's in the $10.00 range I can afford to take a risk. In this case I get the extra amusement out of explaining how bad the game is, plus investigating the ritual of unsealing games.

Danm that's affordable! They sell PCE games on Amazon? I need to broaden my horizons

[Nazi NecroPhile]

And people who have threads dedicated to their impressions on games they beat shouldn't throw stones. 

A single thread covering dozens of games and providing actual insight about what I liked and didn't like is hardly analogous, but whatever floats your boat.

Perhaps if it didn't take you a half dozen posts before you posted WHY you don't like the game, you wouldn't come off sounding like such a sandy vag.  It's hard to have a discussion about a game when the only viewpoints we have to rebut are "it sucks".

[Gredler]

It's hard to have a discussion about a game when the only viewpoints we have to rebut are "it sucks".

I would also appreciate a more detailed discussion of the birthed game, and perhaps the experience of opening the game I haven't opened a classic since the era, maybe I should pick one up and join the undressing party.

[Nazi NecroPhile]

Yes!  Did the manual smell like old cheese?  Were there any pubes trapped under the wrap?  Did he finger the plastic like a virgin's hymen, or is game fingering limited to cardboard boxes?  Sooo many questions!!! 

[Gredler]

Yes!  Did the manual smell like old cheese?  Were there any pubes trapped under the wrap?  Did he finger the plastic like a virgin's hymen, or is game fingering limited to cardboard boxes?  Sooo many questions!!! 

Did the glue disintegrate into a plume of inhale-able dust, and how high did that make you after quickly inhaling it? The details of this event going undocumented is an absolute shame.

[deubeul]

Thought it'd be fun to make a sealed game joke thread. Once i played it it turned into a laugh-at-how-shitty-this-game-is post, sharing good company with Browning and Dekoboko. There should be a Telenet Hall of Shame.

Browning is a good game once you get the gameplay mechanics, and Dekoboko is a fucking good game once you can get 4 friends and as much beer packs to play it.

[Gredler]

and as much beer packs.

Always as much beer packs, please.

[esteban]

Thought it'd be fun to make a sealed game joke thread. Once i played it it turned into a laugh-at-how-shitty-this-game-is post, sharing good company with Browning and Dekoboko. There should be a Telenet Hall of Shame.

Browning is a good game once you get the gameplay mechanics, and Dekoboko is a fucking good game once you can get 4 friends and as much beer packs to play it.

...And I used to hate that stupid song in Dekoboko, but between sunteam_paul's endorsement and unlimited access to vodka, I have grown to love Dekoboko.

Maybe.

[VenomMacbeth]

Browning is a good game once you get the gameplay mechanics, and Dekoboko is a fucking good game once you can get 4 friends and as much beer packs to play it.

While I do love me some Browning, I'd hesitate to use the word "good".